Home Decorating 101

How did I ever paint those rooms when I was younger? I’d decide to change the color, go buy the paint, slap it on the walls, and wall-ah (no pun intended) it’s a new room. What happened?

I’m almost 55 years old, like to change my décor every ten to fifteen years, and channel surf through DIY and HGTV and all those other shows that feature drill-toting, paint-brush wielding babes who can do it all. I’d love to see the outtakes of those shows.

What about the wallpaper that, when applied, is so thin you can see the pencil marks beneath it? I’d written “cut to 87”” in pencil so I wouldn’t need to measure to double check a sixth time. I’d already measured five times… measure twice, cut once… remember that? I’m the overcautious type. How attractive is a newly decorated wall when you can see the notes jotted on the wall beneath the paper? It isn’t. Scratch that 87” of wallpaper.

What about interior paint that has become so hazardous to breathe? As long as it contains chemicals including, but not limited to, glycol-something-or-other-et-al, you are liable to need a lung transfer as soon as the paint has “cured.” The paint may have finally cured, but the person applying it and/or living with it has begun a health issue most likely to lead to early death because fume sensitivity is, no doubt, a preexisting condition and won’t be covered under currently existing insurance rules.

What about the caulk instructions that tell the decorator to clean the area thoroughly with alcohol prior to caulking? Did they ever mention that alcohol will strip the design right off your new wallpaper? It may have been in the small print, but I doubt it. All the print was small (make that miniscule) and my eyes weren’t focusing any longer. I was at the point of trying to accomplish tasks that could be seen through my old, beat-up, drug-store cheaters as my new glasses were not pulling things into focus. Another one of those things – I’ve been to the eye doctor twice and they can’t tell why one eye might get tired faster than the other. Maybe it was the eye closest to the paint as it cured.

I’ve been working on this decorating project for a year now. A year. Yes, a year. I finally got the kitchen wallpapered (no small feat) and new outlets installed (thanks to my handy man, Randy). I can’t believe Randy’s patience. While I move back-and-forth between projects trying to juggle a multitude of difficulties (paint problems, wallpaper problems, electrical problems, etc.), he endures the house in total chaos.

It’s one thing to have my sewing room a disaster area with clutter being the norm, but having the main part of the house in upheaval makes me (yes, even me) crazy. I want so badly to find a job so I can afford to hire someone to finish the nightmare I have begun.

Thank you for listening. Sometimes ya just need to vent.